How is your ‘OKness’?

How is your ‘OKness’?

by | Nov 24, 2021 | Coaching

Richard Erskine, a clinical psychologist, and author described OKness as:

“The belief and associated feeling of comfort that no matter what happens to me, no matter how bad the situation, I will learn and grow from the experience”

The concept of ‘OKness’ is probably familiar to most people and is a transactional model (TA) that is an immensely powerful tool for raising your awareness to your behaviour and even your overarching life position. 

It is a core model of transactional analysis, both in terms of its philosophy, and of its contribution to the understanding of people and their interactions: the analysis of transactions. 

OKness has been variously used to describe a philosophy of how we regard other people (Berne, 1972/1975), a frame of reference governing a person’s whole outlook on life, and the minute-by-minute behavioural responses to what happens to us (Ernst, 1971). 

It was Ernst who developed the ‘OK Corral’ which shows the four basic positions we can occupy in terms of the way we view ourselves and others. We can be either OK or Not OK with ourselves, and either OK or not OK with the other person:

How is your OK-ness?

If I am in the position of, I’m OK, You’re OK then I will see both myself and “you” in a positive and accepting way – which may or may not include agreeing with you. If this is my existential life position, it will represent my predominant way of being in the world. I am therefore likely to “get on with” you in that moment, even though I may not like “your” behaviour. This arguably leads to difficulties people have when undergoing appraisal in the workplace, for example – any “negative” comments about their behaviour lead them to feel Not OK as a person. 

Maintaining the example of the world at work, by adopting an ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ attitude, you allow room for optimism and collaboration. As a leader, you will come across as more self-confident in your own abilities and create a good team environment in which employees are less likely to self-criticise or critique their colleagues. Ultimately, this reaction is the goal for all forms of communication! It conveys mutual respect and allows for both parties to find a constructive approach to issues.

However, the other positions can create communication problems

I’m OK, you’re not ok

Maintaining this position can develop into an unhealthy competitiveness with others and can often result in looking for opportunities to highlight other’s mistakes. 

I’m not ok, you’re ok

In some instances, people may have feelings of inadequacy to the extent of feeling powerless. In a work context, this is when you will often see employees withdraw from their role and even undermine their own abilities to do the job.

I’m not ok, you’re not ok

With this mindset, the result can be hopelessness and negative dialogues in response to a situation, mood, or behaviour. You might also note an element of stubbornness from a person or employee when asked to complete certain tasks.

So, the question is, how do we use this powerful model in our toolkit? It requires a certain amount of self-analysis, and you would need to ask yourself two questions:

  • How do I view myself when I am ‘OK’?
  • How do others perceive my OK status?

In order to adopt the ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ reaction, it is important for you to re-evaluate your own emotions before entering a discussion. You can do this by checking in with yourself and ensuring you are feeling confident. If you are feeling frustrated by a situation, begrudged by a person’s behaviour, or feeling apprehensive about a meeting, then put quite simply, the chance of having a constructive and collaborative conversation is limited!

Whilst everyone may have their particular existential life position, this may not necessarily fit with the observable, social level of their interactions with others. This model can be used with a person to assist them in understanding their transactions with others and to put words to some of their experiences. It can also be used from the perspective of a manager to help make sense of an employee’s responses in relation to others.

It has been successfully used in organisations with teams of individuals struggling to relate to each other in effective ways. In that context, once they recognise the patterns they perpetuate, individuals frequently make changes, or at least set out to make them.

Take a moment…, make a drink, check in with yourself…how is your OKness? If you are struggling with this, or the attitude in your team or group is not OK, perhaps you would like help. Why not take the FIRST STEP, and contact me?

OK? 

References

Berne, E. (1975) What Do You Say After You Say Hello. London: Corgi. (Original work published 1972)

Ernst, F. (1971) OK Corral, The grid to get on with. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), pp. 231-240

What to expect on a Nature and Forest Therapy walk

What to expect on a Nature and Forest Therapy walk

by | Nov 16, 2021 | Nature and Forest Therapy

How strenuous is Nature and Forest Therapy?

The first thing to say is that it is not a hike. It is a slow meditative, mindful walk in nature designed to open up your senses to the natural environment and re-connect with both yourself and the more than human world. As it is a slow walk, it is best to ensure you have warm enough clothes depending on the weather. Also, you may want to bring a plastic sheet with you or bin liner so you can sit on the ground, although I will have sheets for you to use. A walk would take between an hour and up to three hours depending on the size of the group and the circumstances of the event.

Introduction

It starts with an introduction where we introduce ourselves and I explain what we will do. Through a series of invitations, you are invited to notice what your senses are connecting with as we slowly walk through the forest or along the beach or whatever natural environment we are in. They are purely invitations, and you are not obliged to do them. You can choose to engage with the environment in your own way. The overarching principle is that the forest is the therapist, the guide opens the door. After each invitation, we gather together to share what we are experiencing and listen to each other. You can share whatever you want which could mean saying nothing, which is absolutely fine.

Pleasures of Presence

After the introduction, we have a series of invitations called Pleasures of Presence. This is a relaxing meditation designed to open all your respective senses to the environment you are in. What are you hearing, what are you smelling, what are you feeling? We then proceed with our slow walk through the forest, wood, or beach with a heightened sense of awareness and wonder. I call this What’s in Motion. Thereafter, I will offer more invitations to engage with what is around you in a safe, supportive yet playful way.

What is important is that you feel comfortable at all times and make choices for yourself about what you decide to do and the experience that you have. It is OK to just enjoy the experience of slowing down in a restful, rejuvenating environment. However, by letting yourself reconnect with the more than human world, it can provide some profound and healing experiences.

After the Walk

The walk then ends with some tea, usually prepared with something from the environment we are in. This is an opportunity to reflect on the walk, how you are feeling, what it gave to you and what you are going to take away from the experience.

This is a succinct summary of the Nature and Forest Therapy session and if it appeals to you, then feel free to contact me to discuss further, or join me on my next organised walk.